by: Ralen Robinson
It’s okay not to be okay.
The other day I was in Trader Joes getting groceries when I ran into someone I knew. In our conversation, they asked, “How are you doing?” And I responded, “okay.” Yet, that response was far from how I was doing.
I was stressed from work and had a mountain of emails that needed my attention. The store didn’t have the items I needed, and I was annoyed that I would have to go to another store later to pick it up. It was going to rain, and I left my umbrella by the door, forgetting it in my haste to get there. I got in an argument with a friend earlier that day, and I replayed that conversation in my head. Everything that could go wrong that day did, and I was at my wits’ end and wanted to throw the entire day away. I had a range of emotions. It was not all pretty.
So, when I was asked this question, I responded with ease and quickness. It was out of habit that I replied, “I’m doing okay.” It wasn’t until I walked away that I realized that response did not accurately convey the emotions that were right underneath the surface. I walked away with my bottled-up feelings of frustration and a mirage of being just okay when it was all a lie.
How many times are we asked how we are doing, and we respond with a blanketed “okay” when everything is not fine? When everything is falling to pieces, and our emotions are so raw that acknowledging them will lead us to the brink of tears, we use these idioms when everything is furthest from being okay. Instead of naming and owning our stresses and anxieties, we place them right beneath the surface and hide them. We store them in a box. We take them out when we’re alone, or with people we deem close to us. Being okay is acceptable, but sharing one’s emotions, heartaches, and pains are jarring. If I responded with the truth, I would be fearful that they don’t want to listen, or I was burdening them with my problems.
We are so accustomed to being put together, having the right answers, and looking as though we have it all, that we do not share our struggles. It seems in today’s society, struggle and pain are placed behind closed doors and hidden behind tight smiles. The fear and or apprehension of vulnerability is crippling. So, how do we share that side of us and remove the mask that holds those feelings within? How do we pause before we respond and tap into our emotions instead of appeasing them? We have to have a brave heart to know that it is okay not to be okay. That in this time of uncertainty and pandemonium, we are together. Our struggles are not exclusive to us but shared with humanity. We do not have to be shamed or feel burdened. We are not alone.
Psalm 31: 1-2 says, “In you, O Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; in your righteousness deliver me. Incline your ear to me; rescue me speedily. Be a rock of refuge for me, a strong fortress to save me.“
These powerful words are a reminder that we are not alone. Through the Lord, we can find places of refuge in people as well as in ourselves.
David’s plea is a reminder that whatever we are going through, it too shall pass. We don’t have to deal with our stuff silently but can open up to one another. For when we do, we see that our stuff mirrors others. And through that shared experience, we can find healing.
It is okay to permit yourself not to be okay and deal with those feelings. We can’t push them away or place them under a mat and forget about them. We have to sit in our grief, loneliness, sadness, anxiety, and pain and then name it. We have to be on a first-name basis with our emotions because we can deal with it once we are. For when we experience and process those feelings, we will feel lighter, happier, and calmer. Hardships will occur, and sadness will ache. Pain is inevitable, but so is happiness, joy, and laughter.
The next time your emotions are raw, don’t conceal it with an “okay” or “fine.” Pause before you answer.
Gracious Lord, help us be open, honest, and vulnerable with ourselves and with one another. Grant us the strength and courage to share our burdens as well as our highs with each other. To know that we are not alone and that our struggles, pain, and heartache are intertwined in the brokenness in the world. Lord, give us courage that we may share and hold one another in their feelings. Amen.
1. How are you doing? What emotions are simmering under the surface?
2. How can you ask people how they are doing and be present for their feelings?
3. How are you being transparent today? How are you showing courage the next time you talk?
Ralen Robinson is a recent graduate of the United Lutheran Seminary at Philadelphia. She is currently seeking a call to be an ordained minister in the ELCA. Ralen believes her faith and a good pair of shoes can take you a long way.