by Meredith Harber

“Hi, do you have a rewards card with us?”

This simple question from a store employee can feel like a question of welcome and inclusion when I can respond “YES!” Yet it can feel like a point of exclusion when I say “no.” Every time I’ve moved to a new place, I have found myself exhausted and overwhelmed by the many new things I’ve had to figure out:

Where do I get my hair cut?

What dentist should I go to?

Which grocery store has the best deals?

The list could go on, using far more words than our space in this month’s issue of Café allows! When you move to a place you’ve never lived before, a place where you don’t know anyone—you likely won’t have people who can offer their suggestions. So you do your best to use Google or Facebook or another way to find out about the places people prefer to go to attend to these needs.

And while there’s a certain level of exhaustion involved in doing all these new things, there’s also a sense of loneliness. Even if you’ve moved to a new community with a partner or to be near family, you must still do many of these first tasks alone, making a ton of decisions in those early days.

When I’m asked if I have a rewards card, it can feel as if I need permission to be there—even if “there” is a large, public grocery store. It’s as if they’re asking me:

“Did you get approval to show up? Meredith. . . that’s a hard name to spell–I’m going to need an ID to prove you’re worthy of our establishment.”

And who knows, maybe my anxiety is higher than those of you reading this, but it’s how I feel. I thank Jesus regularly for 10mg of daily Paxil.

If you’re new to a place and feeling overwhelmed, here are some of my pro tips from years of traveling:

1. You don’t have to do all of the new stuff at once. Drive back to your old hairdresser. Go to the eye doctor at Costco when you’re visiting friends. Don’t sign up for all of the new rewards cards.

2. Make a decision to choose one thing as your default (for now). Pick one grocery store to frequent–even if your coworker says one store has better weekly sales and another has better produce. Drive home from work the same way every day. Eat pizza every Friday night. Keep it simple.

3. Use some of your (limited) new energy to find a new social activity. Join a community choir, a sports/athletic group, or a crafting/artistic class where you will do an activity with new people. This may yield lifelong friends. It may also yield a temporary acquaintance who will say, “Hi! How was your week?” when you show up each week. And do this as soon as you get to town. You will never have “enough” energy to do new stuff. Pick what you will spend your energy on, though. I’m a pastor, so I should tell you to try a new church, but churches aren’t always good places for new people, especially single people or young people, to come and be at peace. So, it’s okay to hold off on church shopping a bit if it feels overwhelming.

4. It’s okay to buy and have temporary stuff before you make bigger decisions. I’m an advocate of buying that cheap, pressed wood furniture that you assemble yourself if it means you can get boxes unpacked and off the floor. Do you think you’ll pass that particle board bookshelf down to your grandchildren? Probably not. Will having your stuff have a home make you feel more settled sooner? Absolutely.

5. Be gentle with yourself. Starting over is exhausting. You’re not “lazy” if you lay on the couch all day on your day off. You may be overstimulated and decision-fatigued from all of the newness. Relax. Let your mind and body rest. You deserve it! And if you feel like you’re tipping over into not just relaxing but living on the couch on your days off, check in with a friend, a counselor, a pastor, or someone who you can be real with.

Starting over can feel like you have to justify your worth by producing your rewards card or proof that you deserve to exist in that place. Trust that you are already worthy and that, with time, you’ll feel more connected.

Discussion questions:
1. What has helped you start over in a new place? Certain activities? People?
2. How could you help welcome someone new in your community, workplace, church, hobby, etc?
3. What is one thing that you can do this week to make you feel rooted, no matter how long you’ve lived where you live?

Closing prayer:
God of change, you continue to breathe new life into us no matter where we go and who we are. Help us as we root ourselves more deeply in the world, finding ways in which we connect more authentically and lovingly with ourselves and those around us. In Jesus’ steady and loving name we pray, Amen.

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The Rev. Meredith Harber is the pastor at Christ Lutheran Church, Soldotna, Alaska. Prior to attending seminary at the Lutheran School of Theology at Chicago, she spent a year with the ELCA Young Adults in Global Mission program in Bethlehem, Palestine. In her spare time, Pastor Meredith enjoys cooking tasty vegetarian food, photography, performing in community theatre, and spending time with her energetic and loving dogs, Jimmy and Ruthie.