by Dr. Jennifer Hockenbery
The recent news stories around the events at Cornell are reverberating. They bring up our public memory of so many other high-profile rape events. They bring up private memories for almost every woman and girl of their own rapes or the rapes of their family members and friends. Because I have taught at a women’s college and work for a women-centered organization, I know a lot of women. I do not know a single woman who is more than two degrees of separation away from a rape victim—either a victim of a violent rape by a stranger or acquaintance, an unexpected rape by a trusted authority figure (teacher, coach, pastor, prison guard, police officer, father), a confusing rape by a date or even a spouse who demanded unconsented sex. The stories are overwhelming.
Caught in the horrible reality of sex used for violence and domination, it can feel impossible to see sexual relations as loving, relational, or God-given. How do we change the tide? How do we change the culture of rape and move towards a culture of love and respectful sexual relationships?
As Lutherans, we know that we have to first call a thing what it is. We have to acknowledge how pervasive the culture of rape is. The statistics are part of getting beyond anecdotes. 1 in 5 women have experienced completed or attempted rape. 1 in 3 of those women experienced the rape attack before age 17. 81% of women report experiencing sexual assault or harassment in their lifetime. The majority of rapes are done by people familiar to their victims. Less than 4% of sexual assaults result in criminal conviction. Victims of color are less likely to see a conviction of their rapist. (Sources: National Sexual Violence Resource Center nsvrc.org and A small number of violent sex crimes end in conviction: NBC News – NBC4 Washington). This points to a culture that expects women to experience assault and does not hold assaulters accountable.
This is not right; this is not okay.
To all of you reading this who have suffered and survived a sexual assault, please know that while rape is common, it is also wrong. You deserved better. You deserve better. You are a creature made in God’s own image. Whoever harms a creature of God, denigrates God. While one can imagine situations in which lying, stealing, or even murder can be done in self-defense or to protect another, there is no situation that justifies rape. It is always wrong.
Let me repeat this: using another person sexually against their will is always wrong. It is wrong to use violence, threats of violence, force, coercion, or domination to use a person sexually. This is true whether the person is a stranger, a friend, a family member, a co-worker, an acquaintance, a date, a spouse, or somebody you “purchased for sex.” Sexual organs were created by God for love, relationship, and pro-creation. It is a terrible sin to use these same organs for aggression, dominance, violence, and destruction.
Naming this as a sin is important.
And also, we need to think about how sex and rape are portrayed generally in our culture. Too often, American culture speaks about sex as rape, rather than about sex as a part of a loving relationship. Consider how often comedians joke about rape as a just punishment for criminals. There are always jokes in the media about prison rape after high-profile criminal convictions. This shows that we culturally consider sex a fitting punishment for crime. Think about how often protesters use “F*** the ______” on signs and in chants to show their anger against a person, organization, or authority figure. Indeed, it is common to use slang about sex as a way to refer to how someone has been harmed. “I am f*****;” “You are screwed;” “That person got the shaft.” We use examples of sexual exploitation as ways to denigrate our opponents: “You can kiss my a**;” “You suck;” “Brown noser.” Often our slang about genitalia expresses the phallus as an organ of aggression and domination and the vulva as a place of weakness, rather than speaking of both as organs created for connection and love.
All of these examples are common in our language and show our acceptance of speaking of sex as predominantly an act about domination and submission, aggression and punishment, violence and harm. Rape is part of our language game.
Think about how difficult, in such an atmosphere, it is to believe ourselves and to teach others that sex was created by God for love, relationship, and mutual pleasure. The language of rape culture infects not only social media in the manosphere; it is all too often in women’s romance fiction and everyday speech.
This is not to say we are all equally to blame. There is sociological evidence that women adopt rape culture slang and even eroticism in order to protect their brains from the constant threat of rape. But it is to say that we all have work to do in creating new ways of thinking to teach our children and new ways to frame our own relationships.
Let’s start now.
Imagine if you will a culture in which rape was treated, in all circumstances, as a crime—never eroticized, praised, downplayed, or ignored. No matter how wealthy, powerful, or important a rapist, the person is held accountable for this terrible wrong to another person.
Imagine, if you will, a culture in which sex is never considered a punishment or a way to force submission.
Imagine if you will a culture in which girls and women are not taught how to minimize their risk of rape because rape is no longer considered a major risk.
Imagine if you will a culture in which sex is regarded as a God-given part of loving relationships, something not to be abused or to use as abuse. Let us work together to create this culture.
Dr. Jennifer Hockenbery is executive director fo Women of the ELCA and editor of the Journal of Lutheran Ethics.