Any Woman, Anywhere: Domestic Violence
by Jessica Royer Ocken

Domestic Violence Defined
Legally, domestic violence (DV) is categorized in a number of ways: sexual, emotional, verbal, psychological, physical, and even financial. “It’s all about power and control, not necessarily about violence,” explains Rev. Michelle Miller, director for women in leadership and ministry for the Commission for Women, Evangelical Lutheran Church in America. The Commission for Women is a leader in promoting awareness about domestic violence issues in the ELCA. Miller emphasizes too that domestic violence cuts across all barriers, including gender, race, sexual orientation, education level, financial situation, and social status. And you’ll find it among church-goers as well as those who do not consider themselves religious. Says Miller, “It happens everywhere.”

About 85 percent of violent acts among intimate partners are committed against women. Therefore, for simplicity, we will refer to victims in this article as “she” while understanding that men are not always the aggressors: Obviously, men account for the other 15% of cases reported. (Family Violence Prevention Fund).

It is extremely difficult to determine how often domestic violence really occurs. “With the numbers we have it’s hard to estimate, because these are just the people who report it,” Miller explains. “Most do not. It continues as a silent burden they endure.” A trip to the hospital after an encounter with the abuser may be what finally brings the situation into the open, she said. But even then, the victim may find it difficult to tell the truth.

And of course not all abuse is physical: Abuse can come as verbal attacks or psychological threats. In these situations, victims often do not recognize that they are being abused. According to The Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans, “If the partner is told with gradually increasing frequency that she is illogical, too sensitive, always trying to start an argument, competitive, always has to be right, etc., she may become conditioned to accept more and more abuse while experiencing more and more self doubt” (Evans, Patricia, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Adams Media, 1992, p.113).

Self doubt and diminishing self-esteem cause the victim to ignore her instincts and accept the abuser’s insults as truth. Eventually, the victim internalizes the abuse, making it difficult to see her way free of the relationship. In addition, even though verbal abuse may seem less violent because it lacks outward signs of abuse, “physical abuse is always preceded by verbal abuse” (Evans, p.19).

Warning Signs
Some personality traits, such as extreme jealousy, the need to control a partner, or using force to solve problems could be signs that someone has the potential to abuse, according to Ministry with the Abused, a publication of the ELCA that helps guide clergy on the subject of domestic violence and a faithful response to the issue. And some segments of the population are statistically more at risk of abuse than others (including immigrant women, pregnant adolescents, and adults who were abused as children). Miller cautions, though, that “there is danger in considering one person more vulnerable than another, because this may give the illusion of safety. It is crucial to remember that violence is unpredictable,” she continues. “Women in this situation are often walking on eggshells and living in fear of what will make their partners angry. …We try not to put the responsibility on the victim, but on the abuser,” Miller says, because the person being abused is not at fault. “There’s nothing the victim can do to stop this. They are his actions, not hers.”

How can our faith guide us?
Certainly enduring abuse is not how God would have us live our lives, but sorting through the situation as a person of faith can be challenging. Consider the words of 1 Corinthians 10:13: “No testing has overtaken you that is not common to everyone. God is faithful, and will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with testing God will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it” (NRSV).

Miller points out that an abused woman could interpret this Scripture to mean that God won’t give her more temptation, or trouble, than she can handle, and so her charge is to stay with the relationship. However, a more helpful examination of this passage might suggest that God will provide the victim with the strength she needs to find a way out of her desperate situation.

In addition, attending church every Sunday doesn’t mean a couple has no problems at home, or that they necessarily have the capacity to recognize their situation as unhealthy or the ability to take steps to repair it. “For too long pastoral people have advised women to go back to the abuser,” Miller says. “You want to support her if that’s her decision, but don’t advise her to do that when it may not be safe.”

Women who are married to their abusers may also be concerned about breaking their marriage vows. Terrill L. Stumpf, director of the Center for Whole Health, a program of Chicago Lights at Fourth Presbyterian Church of Chicago, recommends the video “Broken Vows,” distributed by the Faith Trust Institute, as a good resource in this situation. In the film, both Christian and Jewish clergy point out that “vows taken between a husband and wife are broken once the woman is abused,” he says. The wife leaving is not what destroys the marriage; it is the husband’s abuse. Stumpf cautions that often people of faith may focus on Ephesians 5:22-33, which says, “Wives be subject to your husbands as you are the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife just as Christ is the head of the church." What Stumpf points out is that “what’s critical is the next verse: ‘Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. ... Husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.’ There’s a calling for both [to love and hold up their part of the relationship], but what often gets left off is the second part.”

Ministry with the Abused points out that “attentive hearing may be more important than giving theological answers” when talking with a victim of domestic violence. This resource also encourages emphasis on God’s grace and love for us and the strength we find in our relationship with God, rather than focusing too soon on forgiving the abuser.

What to do if domestic violence affects someone you know
Stumpf suggests that if a friend confides in you about an abusive relationship, you should proceed in some very specific ways. “Acknowledge that you hear the woman’s story, that this is real for you,” he says. “Tell her you are concerned about her safety, and the safety of her children, if there are any,” Stumpf says. These suggestions are offered and expanded upon on the National Domestic Violence Hotline’s Website, an excellent place to find further information.

It is important not to make the woman’s decision for her, Miller says. A common reaction to hearing a story of abuse might be: Oh, you should leave him! I wouldn’t put up with that. “But you shouldn’t give commands, because she’s vulnerable anyway. [By giving her an order] you’ve just stripped away her power — same as her abuser does,” Miller explains.

Instead, Miller, Stumpf, and NDVH suggest expressing care and concern for the victim while providing her with resources and options. Stumpf has supported victims while they called an abuse hotline, and he has helped them learn how to seek an order of protection (or restraining order, which makes it illegal for the abuser to come within a certain distance of the victim). As a domestic violence volunteer, Miller has had the ultimate frustration of watching battered women leave a shelter and return several times to their abusers before they were murdered by them or finally able to break free. Regardless of what those who care might want for them, “Her gut needs to tell her when it’s safe to go,” says Stumpf.

We are all in this together
Those of us who are not directly or even indirectly affected by domestic violence can still make a difference in the lives of those who are. Stumpf describes simple activities the Center for Whole Health participates in, some in partnership with other organizations.

Volunteers place domestic violence flyers, with tear-off hotline phone numbers, inside the stalls of the bathrooms at the church. This provides more privacy than picking up literature from the rack in the church foyer. Stumpf says he also puts flyers in the men’s room — not only because men can be abused, but also so they will know that “this is not acceptable in our faith community.”

The Center collaborates with the Presbytery, the church leadership, to provide training for pastors and congregations, and it participates in child abuse and domestic violence prevention activities in Chicago. With the Center’s help, a women’s group within Fourth Presbyterian Church has held services of prayer and healing for those suffering domestic violence.

During October, which is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, Stumpf often writes one of the church’s daily e-mail devotions and focuses on domestic violence. Each time he has done this, he’s received a number of e-mailed responses — from people requesting more information, sharing their own experiences, and asking for help.

In addition to raising awareness around domestic violence, and perhaps helping people recognize situations in which abuse may occur, activities such as these also help victims of abuse recognize “safe” places they can go for assistance. “If I mentioned a story of violence in a sermon, even if it wasn’t the main topic, it alerted people that I’m a safe person to talk to,” Miller says. “I’d inevitably have three or four people in my office the next week [to discuss abuse in their own lives or the life of someone they know].”

Some closing thoughts
It would be wonderful to end this article with glowing tales of success —victims who broke free from their abusers and went on to live the lives and have the relationships that God intends for them. But this is often a long and harrowing process. And even after the abuse stops, it can take years for the victim to repair herself emotionally, physically, and financially. In her book, Evans writes, “Recovery is a process of healing and reorientation that does not follow a fixed schedule and takes different amounts of time for different people” (p.153).

The best gifts we have to offer are ongoing support (distributing information on domestic violence, providing financial assistance to a shelter, writing letters to government leaders, and so on), ongoing friendship (volunteering your time or standing by a victim you know, no matter what), and ongoing prayer (lifting up those who face this issue, finding ways to help your church address domestic violence). Remember that no action is too small to have an impact.

“You never know the seeds that have been planted,” Stumpf says. “You can make a difference in some person’s life.”

Jessica Royer Ocken is a freelance writer and editor based in Chicago. Her work has been published in the Chicago Tribune, Freedom magazine and Dramatics magazine. She also teaches creative writing to high school students through After School Matters.

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Sidebar: Do you see yourself or someone you know in any of these stories?

Kari is normally excited but also anxious about seeing her boyfriend when she gets to school. He’s very attentive, but he often talks to her in a negative way. He’ll tell her he doesn’t like her makeup or the way she dresses, and he becomes irate if he sees her talking to another guy — even for classwork. On special occasions, he gives her roses and compliments. At other times, he tells her she is worthless, and she’d better not try to break up because no one else would want her.

Since their marriage more than 10 years ago, Anne’s husband has become increasingly demanding — and violent — about little details around the house. Last night, he gave her a black eye because she forgot to put the salt on the table for dinner. She never knows what will set him off. She is unsure about what to do now about their deteriorating relationship, and she fears what he will do next.

Jared was flattered that his girlfriend wanted to spend so much time together. “I really need you with me,” she told him. “Don’t go out with your friends. All you’ll do is look at other girls.” But when he missed his friends and family and insisted on spending time with them, she became hysterical — crying and screaming and threatening to commit suicide.

When Brenda became pregnant, she expected her boyfriend to be thrilled. After all, they were living together in a committed relationship. As she began to show, his usual jokes about her body became more hurtful. He called her fat and made fun of the changes in her body. She didn’t recognize herself as being in an abusive relationship. However, his negative comments increased and escalated into violence. One of their fights ended with him kicking her in the stomach.
Help is available. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for information and assistance.

Sidebar: People in healthy relationships have...

Self-esteem: They believe in themselves and their own worth and are better able to believe in the worth of their intimate partner.

Mutual Respect: They respect each other's opinions, feelings, goals, and decisions even if they don't always agree with each other.

Trust: They are not jealous or possessive of each other.

Nonviolence: They do not hit, threaten, or otherwise scare each other.

Open communication: They communicate with each other in an open and honest way. They do not use words to hurt each other.

Personal responsibility:  They take responsibility for their own actions and feelings. They do not blame each other if they lose their temper or make a bad decision.

Continue own friendships and interests: They continue their own interests and friendships outside of their romantic relationship; they don't feel isolated from friends and family.

Shared decision-making: They use communication and negotiation to make decisions about their activities.

Non-abuse of alcohol and other drugs: They do not pressure each other to use alcohol and other drugs.

The right to say no and the  right to change their mind: They don't pressure or force the other person to have sex or do things they are not comfortable doing.

* Information from Take Care.

Sidebar: Why “leaving” is not that simple
When you’re not in an abusive situation, it’s hard to understand all the factors at play. We might believe that all the victim has to do is leave the abusive relationship. But leaving is not that simple. Women may not leave their abusers for a number of reasons, including:

Economics. If the abuser brings in half or more of the income, owns the house, or pays the bills, the victim may not have a way to survive financially on her own.

Emotional abuse. If the abuser tells the victim she is not smart, not attractive, not hirable, and puts her down over and over again, she may come to believe these things and lack the confidence to leave.

Safety. Abusers are often also stalkers, and abused women can be murdered after they leave their homes. It’s important that the victim have a “safety plan” of where to go, with the clothing, money, and important paperwork (bank statements, legal documents) she may need, before she leaves.

Love. Despite their dysfunctional relationship, the victim may still love her abuser.