Any Woman, Anywhere: Domestic Violence (cont'd)
by Jessica Royer Ocken
 

What to do if domestic violence affects someone you know
Stumpf suggests that if a friend confides in you about an abusive relationship, you should proceed in some very specific ways. “Acknowledge that you hear the woman’s story, that this is real for you,” he says. “Tell her you are concerned about her safety, and the safety of her children, if there are any,” Stumpf says. These suggestions are offered and expanded upon on the National Domestic Violence Hotline’s Website, an excellent place to find further information.

It is important not to make the woman’s decision for her, Miller says. A common reaction to hearing a story of abuse might be: Oh, you should leave him! I wouldn’t put up with that. “But you shouldn’t give commands, because she’s vulnerable anyway. [By giving her an order] you’ve just stripped away her power — same as her abuser does,” Miller explains.

Instead, Miller, Stumpf, and NDVH suggest expressing care and concern for the victim while providing her with resources and options. Stumpf has supported victims while they called an abuse hotline, and he has helped them learn how to seek an order of protection (or restraining order, which makes it illegal for the abuser to come within a certain distance of the victim). As a domestic violence volunteer, Miller has had the ultimate frustration of watching battered women leave a shelter and return several times to their abusers before they were murdered by them or finally able to break free. Regardless of what those who care might want for them, “Her gut needs to tell her when it’s safe to go,” says Stumpf.

We are all in this together
Those of us who are not directly or even indirectly affected by domestic violence can still make a difference in the lives of those who are. Stumpf describes simple activities the Center for Whole Health participates in, some in partnership with other organizations.

Volunteers place domestic violence flyers, with tear-off hotline phone numbers, inside the stalls of the bathrooms at the church. This provides more privacy than picking up literature from the rack in the church foyer. Stumpf says he also puts flyers in the men’s room — not only because men can be abused, but also so they will know that “this is not acceptable in our faith community.”

The Center collaborates with the Presbytery, the church leadership, to provide training for pastors and congregations, and it participates in child abuse and domestic violence prevention activities in Chicago. With the Center’s help, a women’s group within Fourth Presbyterian Church has held services of prayer and healing for those suffering domestic violence.

During October, which is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, Stumpf often writes one of the church’s daily e-mail devotions and focuses on domestic violence. Each time he has done this, he’s received a number of e-mailed responses — from people requesting more information, sharing their own experiences, and asking for help.

In addition to raising awareness around domestic violence, and perhaps helping people recognize situations in which abuse may occur, activities such as these also help victims of abuse recognize “safe” places they can go for assistance. “If I mentioned a story of violence in a sermon, even if it wasn’t the main topic, it alerted people that I’m a safe person to talk to,” Miller says. “I’d inevitably have three or four people in my office the next week [to discuss abuse in their own lives or the life of someone they know].”

Some closing thoughts
It would be wonderful to end this article with glowing tales of success —victims who broke free from their abusers and went on to live the lives and have the relationships that God intends for them. But this is often a long and harrowing process. And even after the abuse stops, it can take years for the victim to repair herself emotionally, physically, and financially. In her book, Evans writes, “Recovery is a process of healing and reorientation that does not follow a fixed schedule and takes different amounts of time for different people” (p.153).

The best gifts we have to offer are ongoing support (distributing information on domestic violence, providing financial assistance to a shelter, writing letters to government leaders, and so on), ongoing friendship (volunteering your time or standing by a victim you know, no matter what), and ongoing prayer (lifting up those who face this issue, finding ways to help your church address domestic violence). Remember that no action is too small to have an impact.

“You never know the seeds that have been planted,” Stumpf says. “You can make a difference in some person’s life.”

Jessica Royer Ocken is a freelance writer and editor based in Chicago. Her work has been published in the Chicago Tribune, Freedom magazine and Dramatics magazine. She also teaches creative writing to high school students through After School Matters.

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When you’re not in an abusive situation, it’s hard to understand all the factors at play. We might believe that all the victim has to do is leave the abusive relationship. However, leaving is not that simple. Women may not leave their abusers for a number of reasons, including...

Economics: If the abuser brings in half or more of the income, owns the house, or pays the bills, the victim may not have a way to survive financially on her own.

Emotional abuse: If the abuser tells the victim she is not smart, not attractive, not hirable, and puts her down over and over again, she may come to believe these things and lack the confidence to leave.

Safety: Abusers are often also stalkers, and abused women can be murdered after they leave their homes. It’s important that the victim have a “safety plan” of where to go, with the clothing, money, and important paperwork (bank statements, legal documents) she may need, before she leaves.

Love: Despite their dysfunctional relationship, the victim may still love her abuser.