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 Warning
Signs
Some personality traits, such as extreme jealousy, the need
to control a partner, or using force to solve problems could
be signs that someone has the potential to abuse, according
to Ministry with the Abused, a publication of the
ELCA that helps guide clergy on the subject of domestic
violence and a faithful response to the issue. And some
segments of the population are statistically more at risk of
abuse than others (including immigrant women, pregnant
adolescents, and adults who were abused as children). Miller
cautions, though, that “there is danger in considering one
person more vulnerable than another, because this may
give the illusion of safety. It is crucial to remember that
violence is unpredictable,” she continues. “Women in this
situation are often walking on eggshells and living in fear
of what will make their partners angry. …We try not to put
the responsibility on the victim, but on the abuser,” Miller
says, because the person being abused is not at fault.
“There’s nothing the victim can do to stop this. They are
his actions, not hers.”
How can our faith guide us?
Certainly enduring abuse is not how God would have us live
our lives, but sorting through the situation as a person of
faith can be challenging. Consider the words of 1
Corinthians 10:13: “No testing has overtaken you that is not
common to everyone. God is faithful, and will not let you be
tested beyond your strength, but with testing God will also
provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it” (NRSV).
Miller points out that an abused woman could interpret this
Scripture to mean that God won’t give her more temptation,
or trouble, than she can handle, and so her charge is to
stay with the relationship. However, a more helpful
examination of this passage might suggest that God will
provide the victim with the strength she needs to find a way
out of her desperate situation.
In addition, attending church every Sunday doesn’t mean a
couple has no problems at home, or that they necessarily
have the capacity to recognize their situation as unhealthy
or the ability to take steps to repair it. “For too long
pastoral people have advised women to go back to the
abuser,” Miller says. “You want to support her if that’s her
decision, but don’t advise her to do that when it may not be
safe.”
 Women
who are married to their abusers may also be concerned about
breaking their marriage vows. Terrill L. Stumpf, director of
the Center for Whole Health, a program of Chicago Lights at
Fourth Presbyterian Church of Chicago, recommends the video
“Broken Vows,” distributed by the
Faith Trust Institute, as a good resource in this
situation. In the film, both Christian and Jewish clergy
point out that “vows taken between a husband and wife are
broken once the woman is abused,” he says. The wife leaving
is not what destroys the marriage; it is the husband’s
abuse. Stumpf cautions that often people of faith may focus
on Ephesians 5:22-33, which says, “Wives be subject to your
husbands as you are the Lord. For the husband is the head of
the wife just as Christ is the head of the church." What Stumpf points out is that “what’s critical is the next
verse: ‘Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the
church and gave himself up for her. ... Husbands should love
their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves
himself.’ There’s a calling for both [to love and hold up
their part of the relationship], but what often gets left
off is the second part.”
Ministry with the Abused points out that “attentive
hearing may be more important than giving theological
answers” when talking with a victim of domestic violence. This resource
also encourages emphasis on God’s grace and love for us and
the strength we find in our relationship with God, rather
than focusing too soon on forgiving the abuser.
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Woman, Anywhere: Domestic Violence (cont'd)
