Any Woman, Anywhere: Domestic Violence 
by Jessica Royer Ocken
 

Domestic Violence Defined
Legally, domestic violence (DV) is categorized in a number of ways: sexual, emotional, verbal, psychological, physical, and even financial. “It’s all about power and control, not necessarily about violence,” explains Rev. Michelle Miller, director for women in leadership and ministry for the Commission for Women, Evangelical Lutheran Church in America. The Commission for Women is a leader in promoting awareness about domestic violence issues in the ELCA. Miller emphasizes too that domestic violence cuts across all barriers, including gender, race, sexual orientation, education level, financial situation, and social status. And you’ll find it among church-goers as well as those who do not consider themselves religious. Says Miller, “It happens everywhere.”

About 85 percent of violent acts among intimate partners are committed against women. Therefore, for simplicity, we will refer to victims in this article as “she” while understanding that men are not always the aggressors: Obviously, men account for the other 15% of cases reported. (Family Violence Prevention Fund).

It is extremely difficult to determine how often domestic violence really occurs. “With the numbers we have it’s hard to estimate, because these are just the people who report it,” Miller explains. “Most do not. It continues as a silent burden they endure.” A trip to the hospital after an encounter with the abuser may be what finally brings the situation into the open, she said. But even then, the victim may find it difficult to tell the truth.

And of course not all abuse is physical: Abuse can come as verbal attacks or psychological threats. In these situations, victims often do not recognize that they are being abused. According to The Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans, “If the partner is told with gradually increasing frequency that she is illogical, too sensitive, always trying to start an argument, competitive, always has to be right, etc., she may become conditioned to accept more and more abuse while experiencing more and more self doubt” (Evans, Patricia, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Adams Media,1992, p.113).

Self doubt and diminishing self-esteem cause the victim to ignore her instincts and accept the abuser’s insults as truth. Eventually, the victim internalizes the abuse, making it difficult to see her way free of the relationship. In addition, even though verbal abuse may seem less violent because it lacks outward signs of abuse, “physical abuse is always preceded by verbal abuse” (Evans, p.19).

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Kari is normally excited but also anxious about seeing her boyfriend when she gets to school. He’s very attentive, but he often talks to her in a negative way. He’ll tell her he doesn’t like her makeup or the way she dresses, and he becomes irate if he sees her talking to another guy — even for classwork. On special occasions, he gives her roses and compliments. At other times, he tells her she is worthless, and she’d better not try to break up because no one else would want her.


 
Since their marriage more than 10 years ago, Anne’s husband has become increasingly demanding — and violent — about little details around the house. Last night, he gave her a black eye because she forgot to put the salt on the table for dinner. She never knows what will set him off. She is unsure about what to do now about their deteriorating relationship, and she fears what he will do next.


 
Jared was flattered that his girlfriend wanted to spend so much time together. “I really need you with me,” she told him. “Don’t go out with your friends. All you’ll do is look at other girls.” But when he missed his friends and family and insisted on spending time with them, she became hysterical — crying and screaming and threatening to commit suicide.



When Brenda became pregnant, she expected her boyfriend to be thrilled. After all, they were living together in a committed relationship. As she began to show, his usual jokes about her body became more hurtful. He called her fat and made fun of the changes in her body. She didn’t recognize herself as being in an abusive relationship. However, his negative comments increased and escalated into violence. One of their fights ended with him kicking her in the stomach.


 
Help is available. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for information and assistance.