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Did those words make you cringe just a little? Perhaps you grew up believing that self-love was selfish and narcissistic—that your life is about loving God and others, not yourself. We are generally clear on the first command in Mark 12:30–31 about loving God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength. It’s that troublesome second part: “‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’” Somehow we put a period after “neighbor.” Wrong.

“Love your neighbor as yourself.” Here’s how Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary defines “as”: “to the same degree or extent; equally….” That little word matters.

It can make a difference in how we live. Especially to a single woman spending yet another Valentine’s Day without a date. How might that look?

What if we spent Valentine’s Day celebrating who we are, who God created us to be? What if we made that day, or the month of February, a time to reflect on that? In reality February 14 is a day made for retailers and the creators of greeting cards. Think of all the cards, flowers, candy, lingerie, jewelry, and other things sold that day—to say nothing of the expensive dinners. What if we saw it, instead, as a time of celebrating love in all its forms? A time to acknowledge that we’re lovable?

No matter whether we’re partnered or single, we have people in our lives whom we love and who love us. Perhaps we can focus on all those relationships rather than on those we don’t have. We can remember, too, that we are God’s beloved. One of my favorite Bible passages comes from Isaiah 43. Verse 1b says, “I have called you by name, you are mine.” And verse 4 reminds us, “… you are precious in my sight, and honored, and I love you.”

But, you may say, I want a flesh-and-blood relationship—a primary relationship. I completely understand that need. Just remember that it all begins with God’s outrageous love for us. That love enables us to love and accept ourselves—and then our hearts are ready to love others.

Who you are isn’t dependent upon any relationship but the one you have with God. You are lovable in or out of a primary relationship. You are whole, complete, and beloved because of who and what you are—a beloved child of God. We no longer need to buy into the old message that we’re only half a person and need to find our other half. God created us good—and whole.

I have a friend who often reminds me, “Sonia, don’t judge your insides by someone else’s outsides.” Ah, yes. It’s easy to look at those who are in a couple and think they are living in pure bliss. They can’t possibly ever be miserable. Not necessarily. The grass isn’t greener on the other side. All singles aren’t miserable nor are all coupled people happy. No group has the corner on either misery or happiness. (Continued on next page.)

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During my grade-school years, the bulletin boards were covered with red cupid silhouettes announcing Valentine’s Day. I took great care in selecting boxed Valentines for my classmates, addressing each tiny envelope in anticipation of the big day. In retrospect, it occurs to me that we had the kind of parents and teachers who made sure we had enough Valentines so that no child would feel unloved on that day.

Fast-forward to college, I attended Valparaiso University where Valentine’s Day was more like a season; it started the day we returned to campus from Christmas break. Women who did not get that much hoped-for engagement ring at Christmas looked forward to Valentine’s Day to make up for it.

There were women who were okay about not having a significant other. I recall there were women without partners whose pain felt palpable. Come this Valentine’s Day, dorm and office lobbies will be full of fragrant flowers, beautiful cards, stuffed animals and chocolates professing sentiments of ardent “like” if not love.

So, what is a single young woman do this Valentine’s Day? Gather a bunch of your girlfriends and watch “Waiting to Exhale” and be the sour sisters?
Buy your own box of chocolates and bemoan your miserable state? Sidestep Valentine’s Day altogether by pretending the day does not exist? Get self-righteous, then console yourself and share a toast of “Hate-orade” with the green-eyed monster?

A more excellent way
Sadly, many of us know women like these. If we are honest, at one time some of us have been those women. Yet, as women in Christ, we know that God provides some perspective on our singlehood if we but listen. As Apostle Paul reminds us, there is a “more excellent way.” The way of excellence is love (1 Corinthians 12:31). Scripture tells us that God is Love. Because God created us and we bear the likeness and image of Divine Love. Whether we are partnered or single, we are lovers!

Naturally, we become frustrated when we are unable to love in a partnered relationship. Out of frustration, one of the biggest mistakes a woman can make is settling for a significant other who is less than loving. I have seen more than one beautiful, talented, intelligent young woman’s self esteem give way to the society’s white noise that says: “You are not good enough.”
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