Some people pursue adoption as their first approach to having children. But for many, adoption only becomes a real option after they’ve discovered that they were unable to conceive. Two mothers, Jill and Claire, show how one can move from grief in the face of infertility to the genuine love and joy that adopting child brings. They also show that adoption is process that is every bit as long, emotionally charged, and ultimately rewarding as any pregnancy.

Claire and Al
Claire and Al had tried everything—InVitro Fertilization (IVF), hormone treatments, and surgeries—nothing worked. They could not become pregnant. Throughout their painful efforts, they’d received suggestions about adoption, but they hadn’t considered it until some friends who had adopted two children invited them over for dinner.

“We heard their stories and saw them interact with their baby and toddler. When we drove home, Al turned to me and said, 'Those are really their kids, aren’t they?'”

That night they called an adoption agency and now they are the loving parents of a son, Charlie.

Adoption wasn’t the initial way Claire thought she’d become a mother. She wanted to give birth. A moment of clarity came for Claire when someone asked her: "Is it more important to be a parent or to be pregnant?” Claire said, “I was surprised at how easy it was to answer.”

The adoption decision
The decision to adopt in the face of infertility brings with it fears and questions. What if the child is so scarred from the initial grief of his first loss (of his birth parents) that he never adjusts? What if people think the child doesn’t look like us?

Some of these fears came from other people. As Claire said, “My mother commented that you never know what kind of child you'll end up with if you adopt, so I reminded her that my brother, who has perplexed and exasperated her for all of his life, is her biological child. She got my point."

But many of these fears come from inside yourself. If your first reaction to adoption is a set of “what ifs,” you might still be at the beginning of the process. Be patient. If you can work through your fears and find that faith and new hope take root, you may be getting closer to being able to adopt.

Grief is part of the process. It’s OK to acknowledge that giving birth was the original dream and that there’s plenty of sadness with its passing.
 

Jill and Dwain
Adoptive mother Jill advises, “If infertility is your reason for adopting, you must grieve the loss of the child you always imagined you’d give birth to but never will. This child may not have been real, but she certainly was real in your mind. If you don’t grieve this loss you may always feel that adoption is the second-best way to form your family. And your adopted child will sense that.”

Jill knows about this need to grieve first hand because she too faced infertility. She had given birth to one child, but the second one wasn’t coming. Yet she and Dwain knew their family wasn’t complete.

After a process that included grief, prayer, soul-searching, and conversation, they realized that they were still able to have another child. They just wouldn’t give birth to her.

“I simply believe that God delivered our daughter to us. It wasn’t exactly the way we had originally thought it would happen, but God has delivered her nonetheless in an amazing and enriching way.”

Once Jill and Dwain shifted their dreams to adoption, they found renewed energy and excitement. They decided to adopt internationally.

“It has also been an amazing blessing to feel that both my daughter and I are embarking on something new together. For her it is learning to communicate and speak English, as well as learn our country's and family’s culture. For me it has been gradually feeling more of that mother-daughter bond each day, as well as parenting a strong-willed, bright, and emotional child who intensely craves love and affection. Together, she and I are doing something quite amazing. She, with her profound loss and ability to embrace a new family and life, and me—simply being her mother."

For both Claire and Jill, their faith has ultimately been strengthened through the process. Claire went through great pain in her efforts to conceive, but now that she has Charlie, she credits God with bringing her through it all. “We felt certain that all of the crazy twists in the journey (some of them thoroughly unpleasant) and people we encountered along the way were leading us where we were supposed to go. Now that I know and love Charlie, I know that Al and I were born to be his parents.”

Jill too found great healing and hope through faith. “I don’t believe God ever had a birth child in mind for us, despite our efforts… Through faith I was able to grieve the loss of an imaginary birth child fairly quickly and move on to the next step. It felt freeing and exhilarating to be done with the pregnancy attempts and move on to adoption.”

While it is true that many adoptive parents decide to adopt only after they realize they won’t be able to give birth, the joy and satisfaction that Jill and Claire have as mothers show that adoption is not a second-best alternative. “It has been amazing to discover how much my heart grows with love for [Charlie]” says Claire. “I forget that I wasn't the one who birthed him sometimes because he feels like such a part of me.” Adoption is a genuine and God-given way to become real parents.

As Jill says “Clearly my daughter did not come from my body, but make no mistake, she is very much “my own."

The Rev. Sarah Scherschligt is associate pastor at Prince of Peace Lutheran Church. You can read her blog here.

Next page: "Unplanned joy" by Laura Jones.