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Finding
your people
If you are having a hard time finding God, at least find
your people. Even though one friend has betrayed you,
you may still have a sister that you can trust. Maybe
your parent has lied, but you might have a mentor at
work or an aunt who can remind you that you deserve
better. Your husband may have been unfaithful, but you have a
network of friends from church or work who will tell you
daily that you are still beloved. Lean on people and
you’ll find you lean on God.
Handle with
care
God does love you, so you can be gentle on yourself.
When I was extracting myself from the
relationship with the cheater, I felt so ashamed. I’ve
since learned this is normal. After an intimate
relationship in which trust is broken, people often feel
shame. At the heart of that shame is the possibility
that there’s some fatal flaw about you that makes you
deserve this.
But God made
you and made you well. Aside from original sin, there
isn’t some fatal flaw in you any more than there is a
fatal flaw in any of us. Instead of blaming yourself or
God for the broken trust, put the primary responsibility
where it lies—on the shoulders of the one who betrayed
you.
Put primary responsibility where it belongs, but when
you are ready, take some of the responsibility back.
When I first started dating the cheater, I had plenty of
warning signs that this wouldn’t turn out well. His
betrayal wasn’t my fault, but I take responsibility for
ignoring my own instincts.
The worst thing wasn’t that I lost trust in him—it’s
that I lost trust in myself. It was probably the lack of
trust in myself and my own judgment that allowed me to
go so far into the relationship to begin with.
Someone
betraying your trust is never your fault. But if you
betray yourself, that’s on you.
Think about
how you contributed to the breach of trust. Maybe you
didn’t listen when your dad said “I can’t catch you
right now” or when a person gave you mixed signals that
showed he or she wasn’t ready for your trust. Go back
over the relationship and tell it to yourself honestly.
Were there signs? Has there been a pattern of
disappointment and betrayal that you could discern? Were
your expectations too high? What were you ignoring about
the other because you didn’t want to see it? Did you
ever lie? Did you gloss over uncomfortable feelings?
Were you totally trustworthy yourself?
You’ve got to ask yourself these questions not in order
to beat yourself up, but for your own healing. If you
can’t take responsibility, you also can’t hear
forgiveness for yourself—much less offer it to
another. And without forgiveness, you can’t restore
trust.
More trust
work to do
My healing
came when I stopped blaming the cheater and started
seeing how I had strayed from myself and God. The more I
took responsibility and worked on trusting myself, the
more I was able to hear forgiveness. Eventually I was
also able to offer forgiveness too. I’ve completely
forgiven the man—so completely that I sometimes forget
the relationship ever happened. I didn’t rebuild trust
with him, although that is possible in some
relationships. But I trust myself and God more than
ever. With those two trusts intact, trusting other
people flows naturally.
Building trust
takes time. Re-building trust takes more time, so be
patient. Think back on that little girl on the side of
the pool. She didn’t just show up at the side of the
pool and jump. No, she had a long relationship with her
dad who’d already proved to her time and time again that
he would be there. She waited until she was ready to
jump.
You don’t need
to jump until you are ready. But you will be ready
again. God is good, love and trust are possible, and
someday you will be in a place where you too can leap
again and find the joy and delight that comes in deep
relationships with other people.
The Rev. Sarah Scherschligt is associate pastor at Prince of
Peace Lutheran Church. You can read her blog
here.
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