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Even my bosom friend in whom I trusted, who ate of my
bread, has lifted the heel against me. (Psalm 41:9)
Sometimes friends leave you behind, and sometimes they
even turn against you.
Jana met Kiersten as they were going through childbirth
classes, each with their first baby, each having just
moved into a new community. While their husbands
discovered a shared interest in college rugby, the two
women struck up a conversation that seemed like it could
go on forever.
Kiersten told Jana about her crazy sister-in-law, and it
turned out Jana had a cousin-in-law just like that! The
couples had each over for dinner and they joined the
same church. When their babies were born exactly one
week apart, both healthy boys, they looked forward to
play dates over the years to come. One day Jana even
told Kiersten about her first marriage—something few
people knew about— and what a nightmare it had been.
And then when the babies were about 6 months old,
Kiersten just stopped dropping by. When Jana finally got
hold of her, Kiersten said, “Oh, we’ve just been so
busy, I don’t think we have time for the socializing we
used to.” Jana saw Kiersten in the grocery store, and
Kiersten smiled and waved as if they were distant
acquaintances, then turned down a different aisle.
“. . . a whisperer separates close friends.” (Proverbs
16:28b)
The cruelest thing happened when Jana arrived at the
church nursery to pick up her son. She overheard
Kiersten tell another church nursery volunteer, “Oh, you
didn’t know that Jana’s been divorced? Yeah, she had a
very short marriage before she married this guy.”
Months later, Jana still asked herself, what did I do?
What did I say? What could I have done differently? Was
I too competitive about our babies? Too chatty? Too
cheerful? Too boring? For a while Jana considered changing
churches (and grocery stores!) but in conversation with
her husband and new friends, she was reassured to hear
that others had had similar experiences. She came to
realize that sometimes friendships just go bad for no
clear reason.
Through a new small group within her old church, she
came to see that it was important for her spiritual
growth to work on not gossiping about Kiersten just
because Kiersten had gossiped about her. This was a huge
temptation, with all the ammunition Jana had! But the
friendship was over, and there was no sense in jabbing
the wound.
Some friends play at friendship but a true friend
sticks closer than one’s nearest kin. (Proverbs
18:24)
Jana’s grandmother Doris recently moved into a senior
living apartment not far from her daughter, Jana’s aunt.
When she moved into the apartment, they had to rewire
the place because Doris was going to bring along the new
computer her kids had given her for her 85th birthday.
Doris wishes she had more friends. She’s disappointed
that so few of her new neighbors ever open their doors
or sit out on the community decks. “What’s the matter
with these people,” she wonders. “Do they have so many
friends they don’t want to meet anybody new?”
She’s read some of the research that has come out in the
last decade or so: People with friends with whom they
can eat and laugh have better blood pressure, better
control over diabetes, less depression, lower
cholesterol, and they appear to live longer.
We have friends so that we will not be killed . . . .
and so that we can live!
If Doris is a bit disappointed in those around her, she
doesn’t let that deter her from sticking to old friends,
and still working on making those new ones, too.
When her 25-year-old great nephew doesn’t call her up,
she gets in touch with him via e-mail.
When her 31-year-old granddaughter Jana takes a vacation
with her family and doesn’t send a postcard, Doris looks
up the photo album on Jana’s Facebook page.
When her middle-aged son took a job overseas, a friend
from church helped Doris set up a Skype account, and
what used to be a $40 phone call now turns out to be
free.
When her old friend Hannah passed away in Chicago, Doris
contacted Hannah’s grieving son and shared her best
memories of when Hannah was young.
Sometimes her children and grandchildren are a bit
surprised at the way Doris keeps calling and neighbors
aren’t always comfortable when she comes knocking on
their doors, but Doris knows the value of being a
friend—to kids, to in-laws, to old and new neighbors
alike. She’s got sticking power.
I’m thinking that the old prayer of St. Francis could
also be called the Friendship Prayer: “Grant that we may
not so much seek to be consoled as to console, to be
understood as to understand; to be loved as to love. For
it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that
we are pardoned; and it is in dying that we are born to
eternal life.” (Evangelical Lutheran Worship, p. 87)
We have friends in order that we do not get killed. But
really, it’s so that we can live.
The Rev. Christa von Zychlin has just moved from the
United States to Hong Kong where she is studying
Chinese, teaching toddlers to read, and occasionally
preaching in local congregations of the Evangelical
Lutheran Church of Hong Kong. You can read more about
her adventures in her blog at
http://marathonangel.blogspot.com
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