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This is the day when retailers want you to be part of a twosome and enjoy everything that they can sell: cards, flowers—especially roses—and chocolates. Your local restaurant wants to book your favorite cozy table for two. But if you’re not part of a couple, how do you celebrate this potentially annoying holiday? Well, this month, whether you have a date or you’re going solo, let’s focus on you and your relationship with yourself. In this issue, three women send Valentine’s messages to themselves at different ages. If you wrote a love letter to yourself at a younger age, what would you say?

Dear Me at 25,
First of all, the economy is going to tank. Start a savings account. Seriously.

Now, like many young adults, you have just gone through some major transitions in your life. Some changes have been planned and some have not. The ones that have not been planned . . . well, frankly, they stink. Especially this time of year, because Valentine’s Day is a reminder of what could have been. As a hopeless romantic, you know there are few things worse than spending this day alone. But believe the 35-year-old me, that is exactly what you need right now.

Here are five reasons why spending Valentine’s Day as a single is more than okay, it can be great:

1. Who says you need to be in a relationship right now anyway? Ignoring the social pressures to have a life partner may seem almost impossible on this special day, but just keep in mind that according to the 2006 United States census, more than 50 percent of the population is single. Just as the marketing industry tries to make you feel not thin enough or not pretty enough, it can make you feel not happy enough because you’re not with someone. This is surprising since, again, singles make up the majority of the population. Singles are also more racially diverse than the overall population and younger: four in 10 are younger than 35. Singles of America, unite!

2. Take a stroll with your “ghost of relationships past.” It takes two to end a relationship (most of the time). While it may indeed be healing—and sometimes downright fun—to trash your ex, the truth is, you did spend significant time with this person for a reason. Make a list of things that you learned from this relationship—not just about the other person, but most importantly, about yourself. And if you get enough guts, write a letter of thanks to your ex for helping you figure this out. (You probably shouldn’t mail it.)

3. “Love is patient” (1 Corinthians 13:4). Yes, this verse is popular at weddings, but think about how it begins—with patience. Waiting for love is the best way of receiving and appreciating the spiritual gift of love. Besides, patience is a virtue.

4. Singer Whitney Houston was onto something: “Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.” If God created me in God’s image and loves me for who I am, then why can’t I accept myself and my single position in life right now? Be secure in the work that God is doing through you and let the person you’re becoming be filled. “Jesus said to them, ‘I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty’” (John 6:35).

5. Spending Valentine’s Day by yourself is better than spending it with the wrong person for the wrong reasons. When you know beforehand that something doesn’t feel right, you know that pain and regret are ahead. Break the cycle. Use your solitude wisely. Prepare yourself for the partner God has created for you and pray that your partner is also preparing for you.

What could have been is not nearly as great as what can be. Put that on a Valentine card. Add a little red glitter and some candy hearts just for fun.

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Learning to love yourself is not for the faint of heart. Learning to love someone else seems much easier. When there is another person involved you get sweet text messages full of XXOOs. You can spend an entire afternoon discovering the wacky things your cutie did as a little kid. And you get a sense of how those funny behaviors and fashion choices grew into an adult. Even when there are difficult times that require apologies and explanations, the kisses, long talks, and grace-filled smiles make learning to love someone else seem so much easier.

Getting to know you
Learning to love yourself can require long and difficult conversations. These conversations are with the self-destructive voice in your head that speaks on behalf of the 15-year-old-you who still feels hurt and rejected by whoever. That voice tells you that they were right for making fun of you or excluding you. Learning to love you involves recognizing and quieting those negative voices that get too much air time. In order to love yourself, you have to believe that the one voice that is true is the one that loves you unconditionally, never ignores or disregards how you feel, and always thinks you are beautiful just as you are. To be clear: This is the voice of God. All those other stupid, lying, cheating, hating, trash-talking voices inside your head are not true. They are plain old evil, trying to interrupt God’s work in you.

It is said that if you can’t love yourself, you can’t love anyone. Actually, that is an exaggeration. You can love plenty of people. But if you don’t accept, forgive, and love yourself first, then finding other people to love will lead you through a maze of nauseating circles that bring you right back to that same lover you’ve left so many times before—you.

Looking for love
“Then the woman left her water jar and went back to the city. She said to the people, ”Come and see a man who told me everything I have ever done! He cannot be the Messiah, can he?” John 4:28–29

The woman in chapter 4 of the Gospel of John, who came to the well at the hottest time of the day to gather warm and muddy water, knew full well what she had done and what she was doing. Imagine the scene: Jesus asks the woman for a drink of water. He tells her that he has the water of eternal life. He tells her to call her husband. The woman says, “I have no husband.” And Jesus says, that’s right—you have had five husbands and the man you’re with now is not your husband.

Imagine this woman and her surprise at Jesus’ words. Think about what her life might have been like. This woman was looking for love in all the wrong places—looking for love in too many faces—to avoid her own face staring back. She was hoping for acceptance, forgiveness, and love. To be fair, just because the woman had five husbands does not make her the Zsa Zsa Gabor of Samaria. More than likely it means that she was discarded by men, at least five times. It seems that she turned all that rejection upon herself and decided that they were right to leave her.
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