No, don’t do it!
What do you do when the bride and groom seem seriously wrong for one another? Let’s say you’ve seen them argue in public and it turns nasty — fast. Perhaps you have reason to believe one of them is gay. (A friend told me that his bride should have suspected there might be a problem when he offered to make her wedding dress.)

Maybe you question whether these two people have the maturity to make such a commitment — they’re your good buds and you know how they party. They get drunk at every wedding reception, including their own.

Most of us have known couples who are so focused on the wedding —no, focused on the wedding reception — that they’ve lost sight of what it’s for. You want to say, “It’s about the marriage, people, not the centerpieces and appetizers and gift registry.” We joke about the stereotypical bridezilla, who always seems on the verge of a meltdown — or a blow-up — over some stupid detail. You think, “People are starving all over the world and you’re worried about the right shade of peach?!”

You don’t dare tell a friend that you think the person she wants to marry is wrong for her — you run the risk of alienating her forever (and you don’t score any points with her intended either). Even if later it turns out you were right and your friend remembers it, it will be a painful and embarrassing memory, at best.

A friend’s role is to be supportive, listen intentionally, and ask a lot of questions. The only way to talk someone out of a bad match is to let her talk herself out of it. And you never know; no one can really experience how two people are together in private and what deeply shared affection they have for one another. There are plenty of couples who are still together even though everyone around them thought they were doomed at the time. Sometimes the best you can do is to pray for the couple and keep an open mind.

It’s all about you
Sometimes the response you have to a wedding invitation has little to do with the couple. It’s about how you feel about your own life at the time. Have you been the person who has watched a steady stream of friends walk down the aisle in their big white dresses while you haven’t had a date in two years? And no prospects in sight?

If you feel lonely and dejected, it’s hard to rejoice with those who seem to have everything you want. It can remind you of your own fears — that you’ll never have that kind of happiness in a relationship, that you’ll never be loved that way. It can make you envious or bitter or depressed.

Years after a beautiful and profoundly Christian wedding, I was divorced. I often feel a twinge of melancholy at weddings. I know that all the stories don’t end happily ever after, even with the best intentions at the start. I know that sometimes people will disappoint one another and hurt one another and grow apart. I know that if you marry for better or for worse, the “worse” might be more than you can bear — violence or substance abuse or betrayal or mental illness.

When I go to weddings, I feel slightly sad for myself and slightly worried for the couple. As they get into that boat, even if the water is calm and it’s a sunny day, I know that there are storms and high winds and choppy water.

How do you manage the feelings that come up when you’re not in a good place personally, but you need to go — no, you want to go, these are your friends, remember — to a wedding?

In my experience, you acknowledge to yourself that you feel conflicted. Be honest. It’s understandable and you’re not a monster. And then you say to yourself, firmly (out loud if you have to), “It’s not about you.”

Ask God to give you a little distance and a generous spirit and a sense of humor. Then focus on the couple. Be present for your friends. Participate in the worship service as fully as you can. You are celebrating God’s gift of love. Your presence is blessing the couple, and you are blessed by being there.

So chat up the relatives at the reception. Be a good sport about catching the bouquet or dancing with the kids or being seated next to the cranky old aunt. When you concentrate on the people around you, you forget yourself for a while. Remember, there’ll be cake.

Kate Sprutta Elliott is editor of Lutheran Woman Today magazine.

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