Through David, who still stays in touch with Kathryn, I hear that she’s sad we’re no longer in touch. I’m sad, too. I have great memories of studying together, acting silly at the Statue of Liberty, entertaining ourselves while stuck in airports, making fun of our professors’ idiosyncrasies.

We became friends and fell out of friendship before the age of the blog, MySpace or Facebook. Another friend has recently forayed into the world of Facebook. He recently blogged about the “broken heart” icon Facebook users can choose to display heartbreak.

I assume that most people use that icon to represent trouble within, or the end of, a romantic relationship. I wonder what these people do when their friendships end. Do they announce it on social networking sites with a sad icon? Or do they stay silent about it, like me, ashamed and sad that it didn’t work out?

Whether you proclaim your newly broken friendship to the world or keep it to yourself, here are some tips:

Let yourself grieve. You might feel like you’ve lost that one person who really understood you. You might have to find someone else to go to that concert you have two tickets for. It’s okay to be sad about that. Most likely the sadness is temporary, but if the feeling won’t go away, don’t hesitate to talk to your pastor or a therapist about the situation.

Cultivate new friendships. If your entire social life revolved around the friend you just broke up with, it’s time to re-evaluate. Get involved with a club or a church group.

Keep it real. If you’re part of an online social network or keep a blog, use it to share what has happened. But even if you’re angry, don’t lash out at the person you’ve just broken up with. Spiteful Internet postings can do lasting damage. Your other friends (and even future employers) may form opinions about you based on how you handle this situation. Tell the truth, but be fair to the other person and her perspective.

Get out. Don’t stay home, wallowing in despair. Rather, use your newfound free time to explore new things. This breakup may be the perfect opportunity to try something you’re putting off. Doing something new will help you heal faster and give you a creative outlet. A new hobby or sport can give you something to look forward to. Maybe it’s time to take salsa-dancing lessons, go to the pottery studio, or enroll in that rock-climbing clinic at the gym.

Be kind to yourself. Just because it didn’t work out doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you or that you’ll never again form a close friendship.

Spend some time with yourself. We can learn a lot about ourselves from friendships that didn’t work out. Take some time to think about the person you’ve been recently. Did you act in accordance with the values of your faith? Would you have changed the way you acted before the breakup? During? After? Did you lie to her? Did you embellish the truth about the situation to others? What would you have done differently? What do you wish she had done differently?

Don’t expect the impossible. If you’re part of a circle of friends, don’t expect them to act differently toward the friend you just broke up with. Don’t expect them to take your side. The social dynamic in your group will change. Roll with it.


Amber is Web manager for www.thelutheran.org, the online companion of The Lutheran magazine, and is art director for The Little Lutheran, a durable new magazine for children 6 and younger.

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