Café — Stirring the Spirit Within
   

 
Flashing red: the anger signal by Harriet Lerner, author of "The Dance of Anger" 
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Do recognize that each person is responsible for their own actions.
For example, if you are angry about the distance between you and your dad since he remarried, it is your responsibility to find a new way to approach the situation. Don’t blame your dad’s new wife because she “won’t let him” be close to you. Your dad’s behavior is his responsibility, not his wife’s.

Don't spin your wheels trying to convince others of the rightness of your position. If the other person is not hearing you, simply say, “Well, it may sound crazy to you, but this is how I feel,” or, “I understand that you disagree, but I guess we see the problem differently.”

Do avoid speaking through a third party.
For example, if you are angry with your brother, don’t say, “I think my daughter felt terrible when you didn’t come to her school play.” Instead, try, “I was upset when you didn’t come. You’re important to me and I really wanted you to be there.”

Don't expect change to come about from hit-and-run confrontations.
Change occurs slowly in close relationships. If you make even a small change, you will be tested many times to see if you really mean it.

And one more. Don't get discouraged if you fall on your face several times as you try to change the way you manage your anger. You may find that you start out fine but then blow it when things heat up. That's part of the process, so be patient with yourself. You will have many opportunities to get back on track and try again.

Harriet Lerner, Ph.D, is a psychologist and psychotherapist. An expert on relationships, she is the author of 10 books, including the bestseller The Dance of Anger, and most recently, The Dance of Fear. Lerner’s books have been translated into more than 30 foreign editions. For more information, see www.harrietlerner.com.


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Faith Reflections (continued)

Transformed anger challenges us to confront human suffering — our own and that of others — with real compassion. Martin Luther may have been angry when he delivered his broadside against abuses in the church in his “Address to the German Nation and Nobility,” but his anger fueled a reformation and renewal of Christianity. This is the anger of which Paul wrote, “Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26).

Our anger at injustice can be transformed into caring responses to world hunger, racism, and the trafficking of human beings, to name a few. We transform our anger when we draw on its energy and volunteer with organizations working to rid the world of prejudices, inequality, and discrimination.

Let us live daily renewing our baptism by remembering that we are completely forgiven and accepted by God, and thus capable of so much good work.

“And God is able to provide you with every blessing in abundance, so that by always having enough of everything, you may share abundantly in every good work” (2 Corinthians 9:8).

Inez Torres Davis is an AiM and is an associate for programs, Women of the ELCA.
 
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