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If your goal is to change an entrenched pattern, the worst time to talk about it may be when you are feeling angry or intense. If your temperature starts rising in the middle of a conversation, you can always say, “I need a little time to sort out my thoughts. Let's set up another time to talk about this some more.” Seeking temporary distance is not the same as a cold withdrawal or an emotional cutoff.

Do take time out to think about the problem and to clarify your position.
Before you speak out, ask yourself these questions: “What is it about this situation that makes me angry?” “What is the real issue here?” “Where do I stand?” “What do I want to accomplish?” “Who is responsible for what?” “What, specifically, do I want to change?” “What are the things I will and will not do?”

These include: blaming, interpreting, diagnosing, labeling, analyzing, preaching, moralizing, ordering, warning, interrogating, ridiculing, and lecturing.

Say, “I think,” “I feel,” “I fear,” “I want.” A true “I” statement says something about the self without criticizing or blaming the other person, and without holding the other person responsible for your feelings or reactions. Watch out for disguised “you” statements or pseudo-“I” statements. (For example, "I think you are controlling and self-centered.")

(“I want you to be more sensitive to my needs.”) Let the other person know specifically what you want. (“The best way you can help me now is simply to listen. I really don't want advice right now.”) Don’t expect people to anticipate your needs or do things that you haven't asked for. Even people who love you can’t read your mind.

We move away from stuck relationships when we recognize that there are as many ways of seeing the world as there are people in it. If you’re fighting about who has the “truth,” you may be missing the point. Different perspectives and ways of reacting do not necessarily mean that one person is right and the other wrong.

If another person is angry in response to a change you've made, don't criticize their feelings or tell them they have no right to be angry. Better to say, “I understand that you're angry, and if I were in your shoes, I might be angry, too. But I've thought it over and this is my decision.” One person's right to be angry does not mean that the other person is to blame.

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When David hears that story, he rants: "As the LORD lives, the man who has done this deserves to die!" Then Nathan tells David that he is that man. He committed the same sin when he had Uriah murdered and stole his wife, Bathsheba. And David repents.

When we recognize our unhealthy anger as a projection of our own experiences and shortcomings, we can begin to change. Listen to James’ advice: “You must understand this, my beloved: let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger; for your anger does not produce God’s righteousness” (James 1:19-20).

Other sources of our unhealthy anger may be deep-rooted. Perhaps when we were children, we suffered because of an adult’s intentional or unintentional acts. Maybe we were abused or maybe we were neglected. Whatever caused our pain, it is now up to us, as adults, to find healing from that anger.

If we never transform our unhealthy anger, we cannot be effective in fighting injustice. We cannot bring real peace to the world if we are not at peace in ourselves. Our judgmental anger and our deep-rooted anger may require a counselor’s assistance and a lot of time with God as we seek to see ourselves through the pain and take care of ourselves. However, once we begin to heal, we are better able to be compassionate and to engage in transforming actions that help make the world a better place.

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