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Anger is a signal worth listening to. It is a universal and important emotion, and it always deserves our attention and respect.

We women have long been taught to avoid anger, not only the expression of it, but the experience of it. We swallow our anger (“it’s not worth fighting over”), or we deny it entirely because we are supposed to be the nurturers, the soothers, the peacemakers, the steadiers of rocked boats. We can keep peace and hold relationships in place as though our lives depended on it.

Or, if we do allow ourselves to experience and express our anger, we soon learn that it’s not easy to manage our anger effectively, with dignity, clarity, and strength. We may experience and express our anger too intensely, too quickly, and that gets us nowhere.

Though feeling anger signals that there is a problem at hand, venting anger does not help solve it. Venting may even prevent change by reinforcing old rules and patterns in a relationship. When emotional intensity is high, many of us seek to change the other person ("it's your fault!"), and we fail to exercise our power to clarify and change our own selves.

Those of us who are locked into ineffective fighting, complaining, and blaming suffer as deeply as those of us who dare not feel or express anger at all. These two styles of managing anger may look as different as night and day, but they are two sides of the same coin. In the end, we both end up feeling helpless and powerless. And nothing changes.

Here are 12 do’s and don’ts from my book, The Dance of Anger. Our goal is to learn to use the energy of our anger as a tool for change, in the service of strengthening both ourselves and our important relationships. We can all learn to identify the true sources of anger and to use our anger as a powerful vehicle for creating lasting change.

Obviously, we need not personally address every irritation or injustice that comes along. Simply letting something go can be an act of maturity. But it is a mistake to stay silent if the cost is to feel bitter or resentful. We devalue ourselves when we fail to take a stand on things that matter to us.

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In The Dance of Anger, Harriet Lerner tells us that anger is a signal worth listening to. Anger comes from deep within us, and we can respond to it in several ways. But we should never ignore it, whether it is a healthy signal — like the sting we feel when we see one person mistreating another — or an unhealthy one — like the slow burn we experience when another driver turns in front of us without signaling.

Sometimes, our anger demonstrates that we ourselves need a transformation, a change of heart; other times, it tells us that the world needs a bit of a tune-up. Anger can be a healthy response to suffering and injustice.

But before our healthy anger at injustices can help transform the world, we must first address our unhealthy anger.

Sometimes that requires that we transform our judgmental thoughts and deeds. "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may prove what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect" (Romans 12:2).

Listen to the story in 2 Samuel 12. The prophet Nathan tells David a parable about a rich man who had many cattle and sheep and a poor man who had only one beloved pet lamb. When the rich man had a guest for dinner, he took the poor man’s lamb and slaughtered it rather than one of his own.