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"Would you say you're a Bible-thumping Jesus freak?" he
asked after I told him I was a Christian and a pastor,
to boot.
Many singles date people they meet at church or at work,
but for me that's not an option. The Internet figures
prominently in my search. Recently, I have been
venturing out on the Web to find dates and perhaps, a
mate. I placed my photos online. I crafted a profile. I
have met a host of interesting men, but until the “Jesus
freak” conversation, I never fully calculated just how
my faith matters in finding a lasting partnership.
Connection is a powerful need and longing. And in this
month of weddings and family celebrations (Father’s Day,
graduation parties, block parties) it is often difficult
for the unconnected person to feel settled or at ease.
It’s a good time to think about how faith makes a
difference in successful relationships.
Prime numbers
Many single people have been sold the bill of goods that
we need another person to matter, to be of worth in this
society. That and the belief that there is just one
perfect, pre-ordained person out there for us are major
miscalculations. The prime relationship, which factors
the most in building any connection, is the one we have
with ourselves.
Whether we are single, involved, or in a
long-established marriage, valuing oneself as a gift,
and knowing that the gift of self is from God, is the
primary key. Knowing our worth because we are God’s
children helps us know that we have all the love we
need. Then we can await the gifts God has in store for
us rather than forcing something to happen for ourselves
out of anxiety.
Taking care of yourself, whether attached or not, is a
very important part of the relationship equation. If you
aren’t focused on fitness in body, mind, and spirit, it
is that much more difficult to create a lasting
relationship with another person. Self-acceptance,
growth, and care are vital to a positive connection with
yourself and others.
In the Unhooked Generation, author Jillian Straus
suggests that today’s younger people have gotten caught
up in “evil influences” when it comes to marriage and
relationships. The first, and most corrupting, is being
under the power of the "Cult of I," that is, believing
that everyone should cater to, and be all about, me.
Additionally, Straus reports that each individual
believes she has more than enough time to “schedule love
when she is ready for it.”
I
know I am ready for it. There are times when my
loneliness hurts physically, and I am restless. It would
be easy just to emotionally and physically connect with
the next available person for the sake of ending that
loneliness. But that would be hurtful to me and to the
other person, because it devalues me and my relationship
with myself, and the other person. During the lonely
times my faith becomes an important touchstone in
reminding me that God loves and values me. My church
family gives important support and encouragement for
keeping my commitments to myself and God.
As I reflect on who I am, and see the things that I
appreciate about myself or want to change in myself, I
have become able to connect more deeply with others. As
I trust myself more, I am clearer on what kind of
partner would best complement me to serve God and the
world, and live abundantly.
Adding the other “one”
My explorations into Internet dating led me to do some
hard work, and it has made me a better person. The work
I did to find a new meaningful job is the same type of
work required to find someone to build a lifelong
partnership with. As in my job search, I learned that it
was important to understand myself and know what sorts
of things were not negotiable. Faith helps me to
determine my values and live them. When we attempt to
merge our lives with another's, faith must become a
conscious factor.
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Looking to add value to your life?
It doesn’t come from
dating and marriage, but comes first from your
relationship with God and yourself. These attitudes will
ultimately benefit any relationship you have.
1. Be open. Take the time and opportunity to grow. Learn
about yourself and the world.
2. Discern your values. Work on the things
that matter to you.
3. Accept yourself. Learn to create and value your own happiness. You can grow emotionally.
4. Eliminate the baggage. Clean up the
clutter in your world. Forgive yourself and others.
5. Be ready. Be open to new relationships.
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We can use the work we have done as single women, or
what we have learned from others in our lives, to
determine our values and non-negotiables. We keep our
values firm, and do not compromise. For example, as a
person of faith, it would be counter-productive and
hurtful for me to develop a romantic relationship with
someone who did not believe in God. Hurtful for me and
for him. I shouldn’t expect to change another person.
After the non-negotiable principles are met, however, we
need to be flexible. No list we make will have a perfect
match, and we might end up alone, disappointed, or
disillusioned.
Doing the math
God is not the cosmic matchmaker. We have to take some
ownership of the process. There is not just one perfect
person for any of us, just waiting for us to find him.
Nor will God drop us in our perfect partner’s lap. Here
one plus one does not necessarily equal two. We can take
responsibility in the process by making ourselves
available, having emotional stability, and doing the
hard work of meeting people.
Just as in job-hunting, networking is important for
building relationships. This requires being a friend as
well as being clear about who you are. It means valuing
yourself and others. Relationship networking involves
joining in things you enjoy and would normally do.
Ordered pairs and positive correlation
Even in June as we celebrate the joy of summer weddings,
most of us know that being married doesn’t mean the end
of struggle or loneliness. Keeping a marriage together
today is tough in the best of circumstances. The reports
show that 50 percent of all American marriages end in
divorce, and for Christians the percentage is the same.
Faith plays out in marriage and partnerships because
human beings fall out of love as easily as we fall into
it. Commitment, partnered with faith, helps us stay the
course in season and out of season in our relationships.
Even when we do not feel we “love” the other, we abide
by the promise we made, providing that the relationship
is honored overall and not abusive to either partner.
Faith, in Protestant circles, has been seen to make a
difference for those couples who have divorced too.
These communities seem willing to offer comfort,
support, and healing while other faith communities might
offer judgment, rejection, and isolation (U.S. Census
Bureau 2000/ Divorce rates and faith groups). Find a
congregation that is supportive of your values, and
builds you up as an individual as well as a couple in
marriage or divorce.
Marriages get stressed; that’s a fact. Faith does not
solve the problem. Faith, however, offers important
opportunities for couples to discuss their differences,
seek common ground in their beliefs and values, and find
positive correlation with each other.
Faith becomes a qualitative factor in a relationship
when couples pray together (Barna Research). We learn
from faith the ability and capacity to forgive and
accept too. It teaches us to consider what we are
willing to give and do for others, and the capacity to
accept help and love from others. Faith calls us to let
go of fear and to hold on to hope, and these are two
qualities that lengthen and deepen all relationships.
Faith is like the unknown quality, the X factor. It is
not a guaranteed absolute, but it makes a practical
difference in all our important relationships by
infusing them with hope, strength, and the power to
persevere in all circumstances. Faith is the uncommon
denominator — will it make a difference for you?
Dawn Hansen is the director for programs, Women of
the ELCA. When she’s not preaching as a pastor, you can
find her performing in her local improv group.
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