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Doing the math
God is not the cosmic matchmaker. We have to take some ownership of the process. There is not just one perfect person for any of us, just waiting for us to find him. Nor will God drop us in our perfect partner’s lap. Here one plus one does not necessarily equal two. We can take responsibility in the process by making ourselves available, having emotional stability, and doing the hard work of meeting people.

Just as in job-hunting, networking is important for building relationships. This requires being a friend as well as being clear about who you are. It means valuing yourself and others. Relationship networking involves joining in things you enjoy and would normally do.

Ordered pairs and positive correlation
Even in June as we celebrate the joy of summer weddings, most of us know that being married doesn’t mean the end of struggle or loneliness. Keeping a marriage together today is tough in the best of circumstances. The reports show that 50 percent of all American marriages end in divorce, and for Christians the percentage is the same.

Faith plays out in marriage and partnerships because human beings fall out of love as easily as we fall into it. Commitment, partnered with faith, helps us stay the course in season and out of season in our relationships. Even when we do not feel we “love” the other, we abide by the promise we made, providing that the relationship is honored overall and not abusive to either partner.

Faith, in Protestant circles, has been seen to make a difference for those couples who have divorced too. These communities seem willing to offer comfort, support, and healing while other faith communities might offer judgment, rejection, and isolation (U.S. Census Bureau 2000/ Divorce rates and faith groups). Find a congregation that is supportive of your values, and builds you up as an individual as well as a couple in marriage or divorce.

Marriages get stressed; that’s a fact. Faith does not solve the problem. Faith, however, offers important opportunities for couples to discuss their differences, seek common ground in their beliefs and values, and find positive correlation with each other.

Faith becomes a qualitative factor in a relationship when couples pray together (Barna Research). We learn from faith the ability and capacity to forgive and accept too. It teaches us to consider what we are willing to give and do for others, and the capacity to accept help and love from others. Faith calls us to let go of fear and to hold on to hope, and these are two qualities that lengthen and deepen all relationships.

Faith is like the unknown quality, the X factor. It is not a guaranteed absolute, but it makes a practical difference in all our important relationships by infusing them with hope, strength, and the power to persevere in all circumstances. Faith is the uncommon denominator —will it make a difference for you?

Dawn Hansen is the director for programs, Women of the ELCA. When she’s not preaching as a pastor, you can find her performing in her local improv group.

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You open your hand, satisfying the desire of every living thing.
Psalm 145:16

Behind every feeling of desire for relationship with another human being rests this deeper desire for relationship with God. It is important not to confuse these two.

We often describe sin as dis-ordered love. When you love your beloved more than God, things go awry. When you love your beloved more than yourself, things go awry. When you set up romantic love as an idol, as the thing that will save you from all the muck of life, things go awry.

We desire God. The people we love, no matter how fantastic they are, will never satisfy that desire. They will never be our saviors; they will never complete us as God does.

Our romantic partners are not God, but they can help us know God and express the joy of that knowledge. They can be partners in service and the discernment of God’s will. They can help us create communities and families where others experience God’s grace through human relationships. They can be part of a household that serves the LORD.

The best relationships I know are between people who rest securely in God’s love and have nurtured the desire for God above all else — including romantic love. They are between people whose desires lead them to have a common vision for their ministry, their faith community, their family, and their lifestyle. They are between people who can be patient in love and who know that desire is not necessarily evil and fleeting, but that holy desire can be the backbone of a lifetime of shared service to God and others.

God has not created us for relationships based on domination, hatred of our bodies, and punishment of desire.

No, God set us up for joy. And when we listen to our desires, we forge relationships that are strong, honest, and faithful. We discover the joy of loving ourselves, other people, and God with more holy passion than we ever thought possible.

Sarah Scherschligt is the proud vicar of Luther Place Memorial Church in Washington, D.C. A graduate of Pacific Lutheran Theological Seminary and Yale Divinity School, she hopes to be ordained as a pastor in the fall.