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he asked after I told him I was a Christian and a pastor, to boot.

Many singles date people they meet at church or at work, but for me that's not an option. The Internet figures prominently in my search. Recently, I have been venturing out on the Web to find dates and perhaps, a mate. I placed my photos online. I crafted a profile. I have met a host of interesting men, but until the “Jesus freak” conversation, I never fully calculated just how my faith matters in finding a lasting partnership.

Connection is a powerful need and longing. And in this month of weddings and family celebrations (Father’s Day, graduation parties, block parties) it is often difficult for the unconnected person to feel settled or at ease. It’s a good time to think about how faith makes a difference in successful relationships.

Prime numbers
Many single people have been sold the bill of goods that we need another person to matter, to be of worth in this society. That and the belief that there is just one perfect, pre-ordained person out there for us are major miscalculations. The prime relationship, which factors the most in building any connection, is the one we have with ourselves.

Whether we are single, involved, or in a long-established marriage, valuing oneself as a gift, and knowing that the gift of self is from God, is the primary key. Knowing our worth because we are God’s children helps us know that we have all the love we need. Then we can await the gifts God has in store for us rather than forcing something to happen for ourselves out of anxiety.

Taking care of yourself, whether attached or not, is a very important part of the relationship equation. If you aren’t focused on fitness in body, mind, and spirit, it is that much more difficult to create a lasting relationship with another person. Self-acceptance, growth, and care are vital to a positive connection with yourself and others.

In the Unhooked Generation, author Jillian Straus suggests that today’s younger people have gotten caught up in “evil influences” when it comes to marriage and relationships. The first, and most corrupting, is being under the power of the "Cult of I," that is, believing that everyone should cater to, and be all about, me. Additionally, Straus reports that each individual believes she has more than enough time to “schedule love when she is ready for it.”

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At first glance, the Bible offers little helpful guidance regarding faith and romantic relation-ships. I shudder at the patriarchalism reflected in the household codes: “Wives, be subject to your husbands as you are to the LORD.” (Ephesians 5:22), the view of marriage as a hindrance to holiness: “I want you to be free from anxieties [and] the married woman is anxious about the affairs of the world, how to please her husband.”
(1 Corinthians 7:32-35), and the punishment of Eve’s sin: “Your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you.” (Genesis 3:16).

Harrumph. Do we have to agree that in a Christian household, men should sit at the head of the table? Do we have to hate our bodies and sexuality in order to love Jesus? Do we have to think of passion as the penalty for sin?

Do we have to renounce desire?

Desire is at the root of intimacy – intimacy in romantic relationships, but also in the central relationship of our lives, our relationship with God. Rather than being opposed to the Christian life, desire is an integral part of it.

There is wisdom in paying attention to the practical matters surrounding faith and romantic relationships: How do we worship together? Do we pray for each other? If romantic love has led to children, what values will be central to our childrearing? To be free of conflict over the basics of faith — the fundamental orientation of our lives — makes for a smoother, more peaceful long-term partnership.

But the primary reason to pay attention to these elements is not simply to make for an easier life. No, we also pay attention to our shared expressions of faith because they are related to our desires — to what we wish to see in the world. These are the most intimate and most powerful expressions of our lives.

Like faith, desire points to the future. That you deeply desire the world to be a better place leads you to have faith in a God who can make it so. That you deeply desire human intimacy leads you to be awe-struck by a God who became human in order to know you fully.

Desire is part of our humanity, part of what binds us together, and part of our faith.

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